I don’t date anymore since December 23, 1995. That’s when she, the women of my dreams, dumped me. I was actually going to ask her to marry me but no she didn’t want anything to do with me. So what if I slept with her brother, that doesn’t mean I didn’t love her.
I love playing practical jokes on my brother. I wanted to get him good on his birthday, so I went over to his house and waited for him. You should have seen the look on his face when he finally came home and found me doing his wife doggie style.
When I used to go to college, there was this good-looking woman in my psychology class who sat across from me. Sometimes when I would glance in her direction I would catch her looking at me, smiling. So I though maybe I might have a shot at asking her out. At the end of class I got up, went over to her and said, “Hey I saw you smiling at me, I was wondering if you would want to go and get some lunch.”
She said, “I wasn’t smiling at you, I was laughing at you. I never knew they let something as ugly as you live.”
“Oh, wow, thank you for telling me that, I was actually happy today. Hey while you’re at it why don’t you knock my teeth in, maybe I’ll be funny looking too!”
She said, “Too late."
Hey where is the artificial intelligence that’s supposed to take over the world and rid the planet of mankind in the year 2000. Also where is the apocalyptic earth where there are no cities, just large mounds of human dust and the survivors have to eat other to survive?
Where do I see myself in ten years? Well I see myself unconscious in a motel room with drool coming out of my mouth. I have a blunt object in one hand, an empty can in the other and a dead transvestite in the bed. Well maybe in eleven years, you never know.
I was talking to another friend who just graduated from college, with a degree in English. He also graduated with high honors, but the best news is that he got a raise at McDonalds.
I ran into an old friend of mine a couple of days ago, which I haven’t seen since high school. We started to talk about what colleges we went to. I asked him, “So what did you major in man?”
He said “Communications.”
I didn’t know what Communications was so I asked him, “What can you do with a Communication degree.”
“Well,” he said, “I can communicate with people.”
“And you get paid for that?”
“I wish.”
Sometimes I really hate riding the trains. One day I was taking the train to school and I was alone in the cart. It was a long trip and I was getting bored so I decided to read one of my textbooks. This guy comes in, dressed in a business suit, and sat across from me. I didn’t pay any attention to him, until out of the corner of my eye I see his arm moving oddly. I decided to look up to see what he was doing. This guy was staring at me and masturbating. What the hell do you do in a situation like that? Do you go up to the guy and say, “Excuse me sir, could you put your penis away, its kind of offending me?” I’m afraid he might shoot me with it.
Why can’t trains’ doors make the bell noise when they open, not when they close? When you’re sleeping and you hear the noise you can say, “Here’s my stop, I better get up.” Not, “There goes my stop, I better get stuck in the door.”
I truly love my girlfriend and I think I’m going to get her syphilis for Valentines with a side of crabs. That’s the gift that keeps on giving and if you give enough of it, it’ll kill her.
