Sometimes when I want to feel good about myself I would hang out with a bunch of my ugly friends. I always feel better when I’m around Quasimodo’s ugly brothers and sisters, because I’m always the good-looking one. It’s like when people look at me they think, “Well at least that one doesn’t have a hump and a drooling problem.”
I think I should break up with my wife, but I’m afraid she might come after me and hurt me. You see that’s the difference between men and women, we just stalk you. Okay, maybe we go over board and start stealing your garbage, but you women go ballistic. You brake into our apartment, eat our food, make our bed and clean up the place.
I think my relationship is going bad with my girlfriend, because whenever I wake up in the morning there’s a pillow being forced over my face, and I could hear her screaming, “Die, why can’t you just die.”
I remember the first time I was about to have sex I was so excited. We went into her room and she sat on her bed and said, “Take all your close off.” Within seconds I was in my birthday suit. Then she started pointing and laughing.
“It’s so small and funny looking. It looks like it’s going to fall off.”
“I’m cold and It’s scared.”
“Yeah what ever, I guess we better get this over with. Remember its $100 for the first hour.”
She took off all of her clothing and I said, “Wow, your penis is bigger then mine. Hey wait a minute women aren’t supposed to have penises. I think I went to the wrong kind of pimp. Oh well might as well get this over with, should I bend over or should you.”
I think rape is pretty funny. I’m not talking about when women get raped, that’s just wrong. I’m taking about when a man gets raped by a woman. It does happen and I don’t think men would mind too much. It’s like, “Stop, please, oh yeah, please stop rapping me. Ah, could you move to your left a little, thanks. Oh, stop, please (grab a breast).” It’s actually better then a one-night stand.
Women are just down right evil, even to their own gender. When women get into a fight they start years and years of mental harm to one another. First, they stab each other so far into the back; they come out of the other side. Then they start rumors about one another, making everybody think they’re whores. When that’s done with, they start going after looks, exaggerating about weight, size and age. When they’re done with making life a living hell, they decide to make up. They should seriously take some lessons from us men. All we do is throw a couple of punches, look for our teeth and then have lunch together.
I think the devil is a woman. Think about it, if the devil were a man he would be to busy getting laid and drinking to make anybody do bad things.
Do you women really want to know why we guys faint at the wedding ceremony, especially when the holy man asks, “Do you take so and so as your wife?” Well there are two reasons. First, it’s the last attempt the brain makes to save the man from nagging and complaining for the rest of his life.
The second reason is when the groom is about to run down the aisle, to his car, and far away into Mexico, the bride sends a physic impulse to the groom’s brain. Thus, stunning and dropping him to the floor like a wounded animal.
I used to have a friend who was blind. I always made him walk into things, like walls, lampposts, doggie poo and traffic. That’s why I used to have a friend who was blind.
They should event a butt club, for men who don’t like being raped. When you’re in jail and you have to take a bath, just strap on the butt club. Yes, the butt club can protect you from all foreign objects trying to penetrate your rectum. You to no longer have to worry about being left on the bathroom floor with blood coming out of your butt. All you have to do is put it on, give it a simple twist and keep your butt hole, a virgin butt hole. Warring: may cause lice, irritation, rash, and please don’t put it on backwards.
