Anorexic

I used to be anorexic until I got hungry.

Help Is On The Way

The flight or fight response can save your life but lets examine how my response would come in handy.  When I faint, I won’t be scared at what ever is terrifying me.  When I pee on myself, it might make whatever is attacking me take pity and leave me alone.  Finally, when I take a dump on myself I’ll have a handy weapon.  

Run Away

            When somebody gets really scared his or her usual response is fight or flight. Meaning, they either run away or fight what ever is scaring them.  I, on the other hand, don’t response that way.  I pee, faint, and take a dump on myself, not necessarily in that order. 

Next Twenty Minutes

I needed some money quickly, so I decided to go into palm reading.  The first day on the job I wanted to have some fun with my first client.  When he gave me his palm I stared to scream, “you’re going to die!  Here’s your money back you’re going to need it more than me, and live life before the next twenty minutes are up!”

The funny thing is when he ran out my door, a car hit him.  I guess the voices in my head were wrong, he only had a minute left.

Darn T.V

I’ve spent $80 to get cable installed to find out nothing is on. 

Not A Real Religion!

Can you believe it some people have the audacity to say my religion is not a real religion.  I mean cannibalism is not just a belief system but a way of life.

Mental Scars

I was fried from a job I really liked.  Something about smacking my boss around with his shoe didn’t go over so well.  I didn’t mind them throwing my things out the window but did they really have to make fun of me on my way out.  They hurt my feelings and we all know mental scars last a lifetime.

Pee-Pee

If I’m ever fired from my job, I’m going to take a pee-pee on everything. I’m going to pee-pee on my boss, my secretary, my co-workers and my desk. When security comes for me, they’re going to have to fight threw my pee.

Answers To Your Questions

I hate it when people ask me questions, so I came up with these responses so they will just leave me alone.

1) They say, “Hey, how’s everything?”

• -“I can’t believe it, I have a anal leakage.”

• -“I just had a sex change operation.”

• -“My syphilis is starting to clear up. Do you what to go out?”

• -“Why, what do you know, did somebody tell you something?”

• -“Well it depends on what the doctors says. If everything is negative I’m okay, but if everything is positive I’m in trouble.”

• -“I’ve been sleeping around with a lot of prostitutes, and now I’m peeing out colors I never seen before.”

2) “Jesus Christ!”

• -“Where, I need to talk to him?”

3) “So why do you want this job?”

• -“Because I’m magically delicious.”

• -“I’m real easy (then wink at them and blow a kiss).”

• -“I need the money to pay off my bookies before they make me eat my own liver. I don’t want to eat my liver. Please hire me, please (then start crying and rocking back and forth in one place).”

4) “What do you do for a living?”

• -“I have sex with minors.”

• -“It all depends on what the voices say.”

• -“Old white men.”

• -“Well today I’m going to rob your house and maybe I’ll kill your family.”

• -“I’m a writer or in other words I’m unemployed.”

 

5) “What are you going to have for lunch?”

• -“Depends on what I steal from you.”

 

6) “What was your major in college?”

• -“I was suppose to have a major?”

 

7) “Are you a Democrat or a Republican?”

• -“Well some people think I’m a Republican and others believe I’m a Democrat but I like to consider myself a Communist.”

A Fairy Tale

Diamonds in the Sky:

‘Diamonds of Death’

By:

Mr. Wall

 

Far off in a land lived a young boy with his family. The young boy loved to run and play in the fields of grass with his brother (or so they told him it was his brother, but that’s a whole different story left to the authorities), and sister. But he didn’t notice that slowly and slowly the grass began to wilt, because the young boy was very stupid and slow. The young boy remembered overhearing his parents talking about a drought but he didn’t pay any attention to them, because he was too busy staring at the wonderful, amazing, and stupendous wall that he called Mr. Wall. What could a drought possibly do to him? Nothing. So he continued to go out each day and play in the fields of grass, waste water and eat as much as he could while staring at Mr. Wall.

As the months passed, the drought came and worsened each day and on one sunny afternoon his sister died. Food quickly became scarce in the young boy’s house, so they ate the sisters carcass. His father would return home each week with less and less harvest gathered from the crops. One day the father came home with no food or no harvest, so he began to pimp the mother. The land became dry and hard, leaving the family with no harvest to sell.

A few days later the young boy’s brother fell ill. The mother turned to the father and said, “We have no money. How will we buy medicine and food for our children?” The father replied, “What have you been doing with the money you made?!?” The young boy began to wonder what would happen to his family if they could not get money but he didn’t pay too much attention to that (especially when the father was severely beating the mother and calling the kids not his), he thought his parents would find a way to deal with the problem. Well, soon afterwards the boy’s mother fell ill (fell in a coma due to heroine overdose) and the authorities were holding his father.

Now the young boy began to worry. He thought to himself, “Sister dead, brother touching me in no-no places, mother sleeping for a while and daddy went away. What will happen to my family and me?” The young boy stepped out into the night as he thought of the consequences. ‘Should I be wearing pants now?’ he thought. As he looked at the sky, thinking of his family he noticed the sparkling dots dancing in the sky. Immediately, the boy jumped up and exclaimed out loudly, “I know! I know! I’ll take this rock and bash my brains in!!! The diamonds are telling me to do it; they’re chanting “DO IT!! DO IT!! DO IT!!!” As the very stupid boy smashed the rock against his head he heard a voice, “Do not do that, take those diamonds in the sky and get money for your family!” It was the wall talking to him!! Yes the wall. The boy was so excited at the advice that Mr. Wall gave him that he urinated on himself and the rock.

He grabbed all the sticks and twigs he found around him and tied them together to make a long pole. He pointed the pole at the sky and shook it for hours and hours until he was very tired. “Damn it’s hard work masturbating” he said out loud, so he decided to go after the diamonds. He tried for so long to get the diamonds in the sky but he couldn’t touch them. So he decided that he would try the next evening and for the time being get some sleep.

He never woke up again. The bashing to his head caused serious hemorrhaging. That was the end of that stupid, slow boy.

The father was found in his cell dead, bleeding through his butt.

The mother never woke up again from her long sleep.

The brother was last seen in Canada, he is wanted by the police in connection to several deaths in NYC and slave trade activities.

The sister, after being digested and excreted by the family, was used as soil and a big pretty tree grew in its place.

Mr. Wall was never seen again, but who knows where he might turn up, who really knows?