My Yonger Mother

My mother used to get a lot of exercise when she was younger.  It’s not easy running around after you kids and then beating them.

Mother’s Advice

My mother sat my sister down one day to give her some advice, which I overheard.  She started off with a story.  She said, “Honey let me tell you a true story about one of my friend’s daughter.  She got married when she was 20 years old and moved out of her parent’s house.  She was very happy with her new husband.  Three years later she got pregnant and the joy she felt was incredible.  She couldn’t wait to have the baby and take care of it.  Well when she went into labor there was a slight problem, the child and mother died.  Her mother was heart broken and hasn’t recovered yet.  I want you to listen to me very carefully to me now.   Never get married and never have children!  And if you ever think about moving out you’ll be dead to me!”

Statements To Live By

1. I love you not because of who you are, but because of who I am when I am with you, unless I’m having sex with your sister.
2. A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart and doesn’t grab a breast.
3. No man/woman is worth your tears, and the one who is you must kill.
4. Maybe we must meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one, and when we do meet the right one we could make them pay for what all the wrong ones did to us.
5. Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you have them locked up in the basement.

Whack On The Butt

I was talking to a friend a couple of days ago and he told me that he joined a fraternity at his college. I said, “Hey I also joined a fraternity, what did yours make you do?”

“Well, they all lined up and each one of them gave me one good whack on my butt with a wooden stick.”

“Wow, man that’s mean.”

“Why what did yours make you do,” he said.

“All they did was dress me up like a little girl and rape me.”

My Dear Old Dad

I remember when my father wanted to teach me how to swim. He said, “Son this if for you own good,” and threw me into a swimming pool. I sunk like a lead pipe to the ground because of the bricks he attached to my legs. I looked up to see what my father was doing and it looked like he was smiling. I wanted to know what he was so happy about so after a minute of struggling with the bricks I got them off and started to swim to the surface. But every time I got to the top, my father would push me back down with a pole. He was screaming something, but I couldn’t hear him because of all the splashing around I was doing.

Hey, wait a minute. Now that I think about it he wasn’t trying to teach how to swim, he was trying to kill me. Well now I don’t feel bad about pulling the plug on him even though the doctor said he had a good chance of living. You should have seen the look on his face when I yanked the plug out and pushed the pillow over his head.

Becoming Healthier

I started to exercise because I want to become healthier.  I mean I don’t want to lose my breath from drinking water.  I don’t want to become exhausted when I get up to change the channel.  I also don’t want to have to oil my sides up to walk trough doorways.

Actually the real reason why I started to exercise is because one day I’m going to need my strength and energy to survive and kill the weak.  

New Awards

Do you know what lots of sex, alcohol, and drugs have in common?  That’s right, musicians and actors.  Instead of giving them little statues at awards shows they should be given crake bottles, it’ll be appreciated more.

Whale Sandwich

I really hate activists and their save the world attitude.  Hey if I want a fur coat I’m going clubbing for baby seals.  If I want a whale sandwich I’m going to eat a whale sandwich.  If I want a pencil I’m going to cut down a rain forest.     

On The Job

Since I have a lot of work experience I think I should let you know what not to do on a job.

1. When they say you should kiss your boss’s butt, they literally don’t mean to kiss your boss’s butt.
2. Never every grab your boss’s nipples, man or women just don’t do it.
3. Do not attack and mug your boss in the parking lot without using a mask.

Being Blind

I use to be blind until I realized I was sleeping.