Pools

The only pools I had access to, when I was a kid, was when the sewers would back up. 

Garbage Cans

I’m glad I don’t have a job.  I don’t need all that stress and crap from management.  Now I only worry about which garbage cans am I going to eat from? 

Great Hours

I like being unemployed.  It has great hours and no benefits.

101

Wow. I can’t believe this is my 101 post. With my horrible writing skills I’ll try and write another 101 posts.

Dogs

I remembered when I was five years old and I was attacked by a pit bull.  I was scared of dogs for a long time, any kind of dogs.  When I was around ten years old I became tired of my fear and wanted to get over it.  I asked my father what should I do.  He said the best way to overcome your fear is to beat and destroy it.  So that’s when I stared to kill dogs.  I would get ride of them by throwing balls in traffic, feeding them rat poison, etc… After a year of this, with two thousand and thirty-seven kills under my belt, my father found out and made me stop.  But I have to say one thing; my fear of dogs is no more.  Maybe that’s why terrorist hates planes, they may just have a fear of flying. 

Bobo

I remembered when I use to work in a zoo; I liked playing a lot of practical jokes.  One of my friend’s main responsibilities was to study the Koala bears.  One day he needed to transfer one of them, Bobo, to another location but Bobo was acting up.  Every time he tried to get Bobo down from a tree, Bobo would attack him.  He got feed up and decided to knock Bobo out with a tranquillizer.  My friend didn’t know that I brought a real gun that looked like a tranquillizer and replaced it with his gun.  You should have seen the look on his face when he spread Bobo’s guts all around the place.   

Superheroes

I was walking down this street one day minding my own business when all of a sudden this black van pulled up next to me. These three guys in mask came out of the van and grabbed me. They put something over my mouth and I passed out.

I slowly came too and tried to stand but I realized I was sitting in a chair with my hands tied behind my back. There was also a hood over my head so I couldn’t really see. Out of nowhere I heard someone say, “I think he’s awake.”

“Then pull the hood off of him,” another voice said.

The hood came off quickly and the bright light in the room blinded me. Slowly my vision was able to adjust and I could see where I was and who was with me. The room was circular and it looked like it came out of an aristocrat house from the 17^th century. There were paintings with gold rims all over the wall, lavish chairs, tables and tapestries.

People wearing robes and hoods surrounded the room forming a circle around me. I couldn’t tell if they were men or women because their hoods made it hard to see their faces. “I hope the ride was comfortable,” one of the robe people said as he came around and sat in the chair in front of me.

I could tell he was a man from his voice, “What, what’s happening? Why am I here?” I said still groggily.

“Don’t be alarmed,” said the hooded man, “you are among friends.” He gestured his hand at one of the people behind me and they cut my hands free. “Let me explain, my name is Kcan and we brought you here to join us.”

“Wait, I did that group sex thing once and it’s not it’s cracked up to be,” I said.

“No, that’s not what I want. We are an elite group of superheroes called the Order and we want you to join us. Our numbers are quickly diminishing and we need your help,” Kcan said.

“No, way. There’s no such thing as superheroes,” I said in disbelief.

“Yes we are. We have special powers and fight crime,” he said a little annoyed.

“Yeah, well prove it then. Let see your super powers.”

Kcan got up, took me to the window and opened it. I looked out it and it seemed we were about thirty stories high. He pointed to one of the hooded person and said Bbag show him you power”. Bbag made his way to the window and got up on the window ledge. Kcan then said, “we have the ability to fly,” and he pushed Bbag out the window. Bbag fell to his death screaming.

“What the hell was that!” I said in shock. “You just killed him.”

“Didn’t you see him fly?”

“No, I just saw him fall to his death!” I said.

“He’s not dead”, Kcan said as he walked away from the window.

“When a person hits the ground at about 100 miles per hour and doesn’t move, it’s a pretty good sign he’s dead,” I said still looking out the window

“We are also bullet proof,” Kcan said as he took out a gun from under his robe.

“You’re not even listening to me,” I said as I turned around and saw what Kcan was holding. “What the hell are you going to do with that?”

“Bang!” Kcan shot on of the hooded men in the face, twice. The hooded man slowly fell to the floor.

“You just killed someone else!”

“He’s okay,” Kcan said as he walked over to his chair and sat down.

“What! His brains are on the wall and his body is on the floor! You’re insane!” I said in a panic.

“Now we need to brand you with our sign of brother hood to make it official,” Kcan said as he motioned some of the hooded people to pull back a curtain. They did and behind it was a very big machine.

“Where the hell are you supposed to brand me?” I said while looking at this big machine.

“On your buttocks of course.”

“Where’s is that pole supposed to go?”

“Why, in your rectum, to hold you still,” Kcan said.

They turned on the machine and the pole in the middle started to vibrate so hard that the concrete the machine was attached to started to crack.

“You people are crazy. I’m not going to be raped by some machine!” I started to run towards the door. Some of the hooded people got in my why but I was able to push them down very easily, to my amazement.

As I ran out the door all I heard Kcan say, “You can’t run from us. We’re also are super fast!”

Pissed Off Snake

            I once was a Zoologist.  I developed a new technique to put a snake back into the wild after you have caught it.  When you have the snake in your hand, quickly take the snake by its tail and swing it around your head.  Once you think you have enough momentum fling that snake as hard as possible.  Make sure you give the snake enough altitude so it lands as far away as possible.  Don’t go in the direction were the snake landed because that snake is going be really pissed off.  Be sure that you are not down wind because if the snake, while in flight, catches a strong enough draft it will come back to you.  

Her Problem

I was sitting on my couch one day minding my own business when my wife came and sat beside me. She put her head on my shoulder and asked, “Honey, what are you thinking about?”

I said, “I’m thinking about getting a divorce.”

I don’t know what her problem was but she left the room pretty quickly saying some nasty stuff.

First Match

I never lost a boxing fight in my life even though I died in my first match.