I remember when my father brought me my first bike and taught me how to ride it. He took off the training wheels, put me on top of it and said, “son, the best way to learn anything is by making a lot of mistakes learning it.” He then pushed me down the driveway and went back inside the house and locked all the doors. After many accidents and trips to the hospital I developed a server fear of bikes and have a drooling problem.
I remember once when I was very little I went up to my father and asked him who was his favorite child. He said, “It’s not you. I never even wanted you. I wanted your mother to get an abortion but she wouldn’t listen to me and now we’re stuck with you. She doesn’t even like you. You know when you turn 18 you better move out or I’ll call the cops on you for trespassing.”
I honestly thought he was kidding about the cop thing but no, he called the cops on me when I turned 18 and had me arrested.
Here’s some advice I’m going to give you lonely men. Never practice having sex with doughnuts, especially when you’re in the store buying them.
I once tried to teach my dog how to bungee jump and here are the lessons I learned from that experience. Never tie the cord around the dog’s neck and don’t cut the rope when trying to save the dog.
Not A Stalker - When they send flowers.
Stalker - When they send dead roses with a note attached to it saying, “I’m watching you, ha, ha, ha.”
I have lots of pets. A couple of hundred rats, a few thousand roaches and a man-eating giraffe.
I live in a haunted house. One night the so-called ghost attacked me and hurt me really badly. So I called the police and had it arrested for assault. You should have seen how much that ghost was crying when they took it away.
I found a really good way to walk my dog. All I have to do is wait for a car to stop at a stoplight and then tie my dog’s leash to car’s back bumper. Well it no longer becomes “walking my dog” but “dragging a dead dog around the place.” I really haven’t worked out the kinks yet, but I’m getting on it.
You ever see the look on a ghost’s face when you scare it?
Not A Stalker - When they hug you.
Stalker - When they’re hugging your lifeless, dead body.
