My Prom

I didn’t go to my prom because I couldn’t afford a prostitute.

Philosophy

My friend got his PhD in philosophy.  He also got a good job at a carwash, making minimum wage, and whishing he was dead. 

Time Travel

I was stuck traveling backwards in time until I realized my watch was upside down

The Attic

Whenever I get scared I tend to put my hand down my pants and hold my penis. I don’t know why I do it, I just do. One day I had to go up to my attic and get something. When I was up there, the lights went out, which caused me to take hold of my little guy. All of a sudden the lights went back on and there was a ghost standing a few feet in front of me. I don’t know why but I threw my penis at it.

My Kids

My kids brought me a shirt for my birthday. I don’t know why they started to cry when I said, “thanks for the garbage.”

Lose Some Weight

I tried to help my wife lose some weight but calling her a fat disgusting pig everyday didn’t help.

My Appliances

My robot butler malfunctioned a couple of days ago.  All it does now is rape all of my appliances.  One day it’s my fridge, another day it’s my toaster.  But that doesn’t bother me too much, what does is when he’s humping something he just stares at me.  Even If he’s behind a wall, he will punch a whole through it just to look at me.

My Psychologist And Me

This was a conversation between my psychologist and me.

Me: “I feel sad today.”

Psychologist: “Why?”

Me: “Mind your own business!”

Stalker?

Not a stalker - When they have deep, meaningful conversations with you.

Stalker - When they have mentally unstable conversations with themselves.

Alligator

I seriously thought owning an alligator for a pet was a good idea. But after it ate my threes kids and my wife, I knew it was the best idea I ever had.