Dinner

I still don’t understand why my fraternity kicked me out, all I did was kill our mascot goat and server him for dinner.

Science Fair

I remember I was thrown out of my 7th grade science fair because of my display. I guess no one wanted to learn about anal sex.

Cardiovascular Exercise

My doctor said I needed to get some more cardiovascular exercise. I told my wife and she decided to help me out. Now every time she sees me in the street she tries to run me over with her car. Sometimes when I’m at home she chases me around with a knife until I leave. What a sweetheart.

Me

Some people want to know what I look like.  I’ll try and describe myself, imagine an ugly looking Indian guy whose been beating with a stick.  Now make him ten times worse and you have me.

The Ugliness

Imagine if ugliness was contagious by touch. Do you know how fast we would be quarantine? We would have to live in an isolated town called “Butt ugly.” We would be restricted from coming into contact with the rest of society. Parents would scare their children by saying, “If you don’t go to sleep on time, the “Ugliess” will come and get you and take you to Butt ugly.”

“No mommy, please don’t let them come, I don’t want to be ugly.”

Spot A Liar

I was talking with my wife the other day and the topic of trusting people came up.  I mentioned that I could spot a liar a mile away.  She said, “you couldn’t tell I was lying when I said I loved you, your handsome, and these kids are yours.  I only married you for your money and when that runs out, so will I.”

Cure For Ugliness

I really wish there was a cure for ugliness. But if there were no ugly people around, then who would be the pretty ones. No one, so your pretty people better start kissing our ugly butts because without us, you’ll be the ugly ones.

Lots Of Pets

I have lots of pets.  A couple of hundred rats, a few thousand roaches and a man-eating giraffe.

My First Love

Whenever I think about breaking up with girlfriend, I start to remember how I met her. It was late December and I saw her there, sitting on her bed, as I looked through her window from a tree across the street. She looked so pretty. Then she looked out her window and our eyes met, it was love at first sight. She quickly got up from her bed ran over to her door, opened it and called her father, who was a cop. He ran outside with his gun and shot me but luckily he only got me in the left kidney. When I fell from the tree he arrested me. At the police station I was clubbed like a baby seal and when I finally got out of the hospital and jail, I new I was in love.

Since she didn’t get a good look at me I knew I still had a chance with her. I had to somehow make her think that I was a really good guy, so I decided to mug her. You may think that’s not a good idea but listen to my logic. When I mug her, I’ll be wearing a mask so she can’t identify me. In a couple of days I’ll call her up and say I found her purse and would like to return it to her in person, since I’m in the neighborhood. She will be so grateful with me and think that I’m a good guy, she will say yes when I ask her out to lunch. Then I will be able to charm her to fall in love with me.

Who knew she was an eight-degree black belt in kun-fu, well I found out when she started to smash my head against the floor (I never knew I had that much blood in me). I actually begged her to let me go but no she wanted to hear me squeal like a piggy, which I did. Somehow I was able to get away with her purse to safety. After I got out of the hospital again I put the rest of my plan into effect. It actually worked.

Now I can’t stand her and wish she would just go away. I started to sleep with other women and made sure she caught me in the act. Once I was humping her mother in front of her but guess what, she forgave me.

“No, don’t forgive me. Come on, aren’t you full of hate and anger and don’t you want to brake up with me. Please break up with me, here’s some money, go away.”

A Riddle For You

Here’s a riddle for you.  What kind of doctor checks for testicular cancer with his mouth?  Answer, a molester.