My First Computer

I remember when I broke my first computer. I was so scared to tell my father that I tried to fix it myself. Glue, duct tape, hammer and nails really don’t help.

Bald People

Bald people make me laugh because I have hair and they don’t.

Fancy Deli

I went to a fancy deli one day to buy some rare cheese and the guy behind the counter wouldn’t sell me any. He said, “You don’t look like a person who knows what to do with this kind of cheese.” What audacity this man had, all I wanted to do was warm the cheese up and then shove it up my butt.

Should I Feel Bad

Should I feel bad that I was happy when my parents died, and I threw a party and I took a crap on their graves?

Stalker?

Not A Stalker – When they write you a poem.

Stalker – When they write you a poem that mostly uses the words watching, die, death, and masturbating.

I Could Be A Doctor

I could be a doctor. All I have to do is once in a blue moon visit my patients, attack them with a needle and tell them everything is going to be okay when they’re actually dying.

Loveless Marriage

It’s great being in a loveless marriage. You don’t worry when your wife comes home late or never shows up at all.

E.R

Because of my trip to the E.R, if I’m ever at a party and the conversation, “have you ever had someone put their finger up your anus,” comes up I can honestly say, “Yes I have.”

Sorry For Not Updating.

Sorry I haven’t been updating.  I was in the hospital for a couple of days.  I will start updating today or tomorrow depending on how I feel.  But don’t worry, the insanity will continue.

Stalker?

Not A Stalker – When they treat you nice.

Stalker – When they treat you nicely while tying you down to a chair.