Stalker?

Not A Stalker - When they want to take you out.
Stalker - When they take you out of the basement for a breath of fresh air.

Blind People

Blind people have a great exccuse if they break things. For example, if they ram their car into a wall they can blame their blindness. If they crash a plane, they can blame their blindness. If they cut someone in half while operating a chain saw, they can blame their blindness.

When I Graduated College

I remember when I graduated college and got my diploma. I was so happy and filled with a sense of accomplishment until I realized how much money I owed. I was promptly filled with fear, anxiety, anger, depression, hopelessness until I was hit by a car and was filled with pain, anguish, suffering, misery until I was taking to the hospital where they gave me a lot of dugs. I was in a state of peace, tranquility, harmony, and serenity until they gave me the hospital bill and I quickly became vulgar, crude, hateful, and intolerable.

Dog Pound

I remember the first time I got a job. It was at a dog pound and I couldn’t believe I was going to get paid for killing dogs, it use to be just a hobby.

Smart Aleck

When I was a kid I use to be a smart aleck and because of my mouth I would get into so much trouble. For example, when I was 11 years old my mother told me to buy her beer from the grocery store. When I said I was too young to buy beer she cut me up really badly with a razor. I still have nightmares and wet my bed at night.

Stalkers

This is a conversation me and my friend were having over stalkers.

Friend: “Have you ever been stalked before?”

Me: “Yeah, all the time”

Friend: “Really? Who stalked you?”

Me: “Wait a minute, did you say ‘Have I ever been a stalker before?’”

My Six-Pack

I have a six-pack stomach hidden underneath one of my swollen pack, which people like to refer to as my gut.

Raped Myself

I think I accidentally raped myself. I was itching my butt and got a little into it and one of my fingers just went right up me.

My Girlfriend Broke Up With Me

My girlfriend broke up with me on Valentines Day. So the gift was I was going to give her went to my wife.

Zoos

I always hated the fact that zoos keeps animals locked up in cages. So one day I decided to free them by setting the whole zoo on fire. This was my thinking when I decided to do that, when the whole place goes in flames the zookeepers would let the animals out and they would be free. But no, they let the animal burn to death. Maybe I should have though this plan out better.