Golf Club

Once my father tried to teach me how to play golf, until I accidentally hit him in the head with a golf club. I was aiming for his mouth, to shut him up, but he had to turn around to try and get away.

Having Friends

I hate having friends, they’re too expensive to hire.

Two Bunny Rabbits

I was walking in the park one day and I saw these two bunny rabbits making love to each other. I watched them to see if I could learn any new positions until one of the rabbits bit the head off the other one. It then looked towards me and threw the dead rabbit’s head at me. It started to chase me and I ran as fast as possible. It some how got in front of me and I accidentally stepped on it, killing it. I guess I found lunch.

Circus

I was at a circus once and there’s nothing funnier then watching an Elephant stomp a clown to death.

My Favorite Animal

My shrink asked me what my favorite animal is. I said, “a shark”, and he asked why was that.
“Well a shark could get away with killing someone. For example, if I were to jump across this desk and stab you to death with this knife in my pocket I would go to jail. But if a shark jumped across this desk and stabbed you to death with his knife he could swim away. I mean who will swim after a shark with a knife. That’s just crazy.”

Me Monster

My wife called me a monster once because she caught me eating some puppies. It’s not like I ate them when they were alive, I made sure I drowned them first.

Stalker?

Not A Stalker - When they tell you they don’t want to be with anyone else.

Stalker - When they tell you they don’t want to be with anyone else, and then put the tape back on you mouth.

Cancer

I lost my arm to cancer. I lost my testicle to cancer. I lost my hearing, well I kind of lost my hearing to a pencil. I was trying to stop my brain from moving around so I tried to stabilize it with a pencil. Going through my ear didn’t work, but the one up my nose did.

Dog Show

Maybe it wasn’t a good idea to take my pit-bull, which I haven’t feed in a couple of days, to participate in a dog show. At least my dog was happy after eating some puppies, until the cops shot him.

Fingers The Size Of Bananas

I never really cared that my doctor had fingers the size of bananas, until I needed a rectal exam.