Adorable Baby

I saw this six-foot five, three hundred pound man pushing this adorable baby in a baby carriage. I went up to him and asked if I could take a picture of his child. He said, “this ain’t my kid, it’s a snack for later.”

Some Guys Attack Me

Every time I try to go outside, some guys attack me. They always throw me down to the ground, put on my straitjacket, tie me down to my bed and shoot me up with sedatives. Sometimes they yell, “How do you keep getting out!” or, “He bite my finger off!!!”

Why Did I Get Into Boxing

A journalist once asked me why did I get into boxing. I said, “Well, when I knocked out my wife with only one punch I realized that my fists were meant for something else.”

Addicted To Coffee

I’m not addicted to coffee, I’m addicted to the LSD I put in my coffee.

Exploding Wedding Cake

It’s never a good idea to make an exploding wedding cake as a prank, because watching the groom and bride get impelled to death by the shrapnel your forgot to take out of the bomb is not fun.

Wearing My Father’s Suit

I remember once my mother got angry with me for wearing my father’s suit. I really don’t know why she got so bent out of shape, it’s not like my father is going to use it. Besides I didn’t leave him naked in his coffin, I covered him with a tablecloth.

Stalker?

Not A Stalker - When they let you do their hair.

Stalker - When they cut your hair, while your asleep, for their collection.

I Finally Got A Job

After looking for a long time I finally got a job that I hate.

Porn Music

Why does porn music always have a saxophone? Why not another instrument, like a whistle. I wouldn’t mind hearing a whistle being blown.

Why Did You Marry Mom?

My kid asked me once, “Why did you marry Mom?”

“Because she was the only one who could look at my face without gagging and she didn’t try to use pepper spray on me.”

My kid looked at me and said, “I guess you’re lucky she’s blind.”