I remember when I used to beg on the streets to make ends meet because I had no job, money or a place to live. This one guy would always give me money, every single day for about three years, until one day he came up to me and said, “I need my money back.”
“All of it?”
“Yup.”
The next day I got a job and paid that man back, what a cheapskate.
I know beggars can’t be choosers, but when they have a gun they can choose and take whatever they want.
My mother found a great way to lose weight without exercising. She used to be 250lbs and now she’s a mere 125lbs. All she did was get breast cancer, get a Mastectomy, take Chemotherapy and then Radiation-therapy. She’s never been sicker.
My daughter asked me once, “Daddy, what will you do to me if I get pregnant before I’m married?”
“I’ll beat it out of you.”
“In that case, can I call live with auntie for about a year?”
I don’t need to exercise to loose weight, all I do is eat a tapeworm and he takes care of the rest, well until he kills me.
I don’t run for exercise or the fun of it, so if you ever see me running that means cops are chasing me.
When people ask me for directions I love giving them the wrong information. It’s always fun to hear, on the news, that a tourist was killed because he was in the wrong neighborhood.
I ran into an old friend of mine. When we started to talk about family he showed me a picture of his late wife and I said, “Wow, she’s ugly. You actually married that thing?” He got so angry that he started to hit me until I was able to get into my car and run him over. That’s why I ran into an old friend of mine.
My son asked me to teach him about gravity so I though about throwing him out the window but that would have killed him. So I tossed him down two flights of stairs. He never forgot that lesson.
My manager asked me once, “For the last 7 years, you’ve worked for 15 hours a day, 7 days a week, how do you do it?”
I said, “I hate my family so much that the though of going home to them kills me.”
