Her Cell Phone

I remember when my wife accidentally dropped her cell phone into some train tracks and said to me, “Can you get it, please?”

“You’re not pretty enough for me to go down there.”

What Does A Bum Do

What does a bum do, if they have a daughter, when it’s “Bring you daughter to work day?”

Shut Off The Light

Once when I put my kid to sleep and was about to shut off the light he said, “Please Daddy, can I sleep with the lights on?”

“Why, so the monster in your closet can find you easier?”

Angry With You

The best way to know if I’m angry with you is if my hands are wrapped around your neck.

A New Yorker

If a New Yorker sees someone waiting on a platform for a train, then accidentally falls into tracks and gets run over by the train, the first thing that goes through their head is, “Crap, I’m going to be late.”

My First Plane

I remember when I built my first plane. It could only fly upside down. Taking off was hard but landing was so much fun.

On The train

“A funny thing happened on the train today,” I said to my wife after I got home from work.

“What?”

“A man fell into the tracks and got run over by the train.”

“How’s a man dying, funny?” she said in shock.

“He didn’t die. The train just ran over his legs. You should have heard him crying and begging for his life.”

She looked at me with disgust, “Again how is that funny?”

“I pushed him in.”

When You Grow Up

My teacher asked me once, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”

“I want to be just like my dad.”

“Really, what does your father do?”

I happily said, “He sleeps all day and beats my mother.”

Cats Do Have Nine Lives

Yesterday a friend told me that cats do have nine lives. If a cat dies by the hand of a mortal they will come back to life. If they hunt down and slay the one that killed them they will get back the life they lost. So I wasn’t too surprised when my jacket, made from cats, attacked me.

Scared Of Me?

My father asked me once, “Why are you so scared of me?”

“Because you’re always angry and I’m afraid you’re going to kill me one day.”

“I’m not that violent of a person. I’m like a gentle lamb inside, with a knife, just waiting for the right time and place.”