I took my family once to this diamond ranch that’s open to the public. After a few hours looking for diamonds my son came up to me and said, “Look what I got.”
I turned to him and saw in on of his hand was a diamond ring attached to a severed finger and in the other, a bloody knife.
I said, “What are you dong? I said get the 15 carat ring not the 10 carat!”
I was walking in a park one day when a bird crapped on me. I got so angry that I decided to climb the tree and crap in its’ nest. When I got up there I saw it had a few baby birds which made think twice about defecating its’ nest. To bad the branch broke, killing us all.
In Junior high school these girls would always pick on me. I finally got fed up and decided to do something. After school I beat up the weakest link of their group with a bat in front of everybody. Now no one bothers me in my safe little cell.
An artist needs to have a strong stomach because eating from garbage cans is not that easy.
I used to show magic tricks to these kids of my block until they complained to their parents about me pulling dead animals out of my hat. Is it my fault the rabbits wouldn’t fit in my hat without the help of a hammer?
There once was an ugliest dog contest on my block, so I entered my wife. I couldn’t believe she didn’t win.
I hate walking on the sidewalks of NYC; people never seem to move out of my way. I walk in a perfect straight line and they always bump into me, but they got out of my way when I drove my car down the sidewalk, well not the ones I ran over.
I was at a restaurant once and these vegetarians were trying to stop me from eating my meat. I mean, can’t I enjoy consuming a live rabbit just one time.
My friend was choking on some food once, so I punched in the back of the head as hard as possible.
I hate it when my father tucks me in at night. He would always put the pillow over my head and not under. Most of the time I’m not even in bed, I would be on the couch watching T.V, playing in the yard or sitting in the kitchen.
