Diapers

There is nothing to be afraid of, except being dressed up in diapers and forced feed a bottle.

Father Angry

Once my father got so angry that smoke came out of his ears. Well maybe the smoke was from the fire it put him in, but he was really angry. I could tell by the look on his face before it melted away.

My Best Friend

I love my robot, he’s my best friend. Especially when he’s not chasing me around with a knife.

Six Days

Every time I try to go to sleep my robot attempts to strangle me to death. I tried re-programming him but now he wants to stab me to death. I’ve been awake for six days and I don’t know what to do. Wait a minute my robot ran out of batteries, I have to recharge him again.

Spanish Is A Good Language To Know

The only time you need Spanish is when you need to tell the Mexican not to mug you or the Puerto Rican not to stab you.

My Manager

Once I was on an interview and they asked me why I was fired from my last job. I said, “Me and my manager couldn’t get along with each other. I didn’t like the way he managed and he didn’t like the way I stabbed him.”

Scissors

After spending six days in the hospital I now know why running with scissors is a lot worse then running around with a loaded gun shooting at your family members.

Stalker?

Not A Stalker - When he runs with you.

A Stalker - When he chases you with a knife.

No Crotch Biting.

Once me and my friend was about to get into a fistfight with one another, but before we started we laid down some ground rules. No poking the eyes, pulling the ears and definitely no crotch biting. Of course I won the fight because I do have 37 years of martial arts experience and I bit his crotch.