Mean And Nasty

My friend asked me once, “Why are you so mean and nasty?”

“Because nice people die young. I should know, who do you think killed my brother.”

My Fiance

I remember when I was getting married my fiancé was crying so much. I asked her what was wrong but she didn’t say anything. I took the duct tape off her mouth and she started to scream again for help, so I put it back on.

My Pet Cabbage

My pet cabbage thinks he’s so smart, he can’t even speak two languages. That’s why I don’t feel so bad using him as salad.

My Invention

The best things in life are eating and sleeping, so I invented a robot to help people eat and sleep at the same time. There are a few kinks I still have to work out like trying to prevent people from dying every time I strap them in. I guess I shouldn’t have the robot use a knife to push the food down the tester’s throat, he just winds up stabbing them to death. I guess I can switch the knife out with a bat or anvil.

I still haven’t come up with a name for my invention but the police nicknamed it evidence.

Flying Penguins

The reason why penguins don’t fly is because they don’t know how to land. I tested this out by shooting them out of a cannon, but they usually explode because of all the gunpowder I use so I really don’t have any hard evidence.

My Face

Once I accidentally ripped my face off out of anger. I glued it back on but I didn’t realize it was upside down. Eating from you nose and looking out of your mouth is not as fun as it seems.

You should never hit a woman, unless the following scenarios occur:
1) She swings an ax into your head
2) She sets you crouch on fire
3) She doesn’t do the laundry.

My Job At Super-Mart

I got fired from my job at super-mart. They didn’t like the way I was greeting people, I mean the gun only had blanks in it and I wasn’t going to keep all their money.

Laying Next To My Mother

I remember once when I laid next to my mother in her bed, she woke up and said to me, “How’d you escape from the basement?”

“You shouldn’t worry about that now. What you should be worried about is all the cleaning fluid I injected into your body,” I said while showing her insulin syringe.

My Friend The Bear

I was roaming around a forest once when I ran into a bear that was crying. I asked him, “Why are you crying?”

He said, “All of my friends make fun of me because I don’t like eating meat”

I then shot the bear to death and took his body back home with me. I mounted his head on my wall and said, “There, now you don’t have to worry about being made fun of.”