My Daughter

Every time I look at my daughter I say to myself, “Crap, one day she’s going to let a man stick his penis in her mouth.”

Cell Phone

A friend on mine was talking on his cell phone one day. I approached him and asked, “Hey, are you selling drugs?”

“Why would you ask me such a thing?”

“Because you’re black and you have a cell phone.”

My Spleen

My friend dared me that I couldn’t stab my spleen. It took me awhile but I finally found it. It was hiding behind my left eye.

Dress Like A Bum

My college asked me once why I always dressed like a bum.

“Well, when I kill myself I don’t want to get blood all over my nice clothes.”

Jump On My Bed

I remember when I loved to jump on my bed. It would make me so happy, until I go out the window.

Air Conditioner

I remember once I was stuck on an island for a couple of years. It was so unbelievable hot that I couldn’t take it any more so I decided to build an air conditioner. I actually got it to work. All I used was some coconuts, sand, water, bark and the air conditioner I took from the resort on the other side of the island.

MRI Scan

I remember when I had to get a MRI scan of my knee. They decided to put me under so I wouldn’t move around too much because of my restless-leg syndrome. When I awoke, I was naked, bruised up and in a garbage can. I could understand being naked and bruised up, but how did they know I lived in a garbage can.

Kid In The Park

I remember once I was in a park. I saw this kid throwing some big rocks into the lake. He was throwing them pretty far, so I had an idea. I ran to a sporting goods store and brought a football and bat. I went back to the park and found the kid still throwing rocks.

I went up to him and said, “Hey kid you got a pretty good arm there, how far can you throw this football?”

“I don’t know,” he took the football and threw it. It must have gone more then 80 yards. “I think I can throw it farther,” he said with a smile.
I used the bat to break the kid’s arms and legs. That’s one less person better than me.

Diabetic

Being a diabetic, I tried to kill myself by eating lots of candy, but it was so good I didn’t want to die anymore. I was actually happy until a piece of candy got stuck in my throat, killing me.

Swimming Race

My long time enemy, Sandy, challenged me to a swimming race. I knew I could have beaten him if he didn’t wrestle my knife away from me.