Imaginary Friends

I used to have imaginary friends, but they weren’t imaginary and they weren’t friends.

Pink

I always wondered why girls like the color pink. Is it because they are brought up to like that color? If you look at the toys and clothing made for girls, they are mostly pink. So to make sure my daughter isn’t influence by society I gouged her eyes out.

Magic Tricks

I used to show magic tricks to these kids of my block until they complained to their parents about me pulling dead animals out of my hat. Is it my fault the rabbits wouldn’t fit in my hat without the help of a hammer?

Lots Of Kids

I’m going to have lots of kids because that increases the chance of somebody taking care of me when I become an old fart.

Shut Off The Light

Once when I put my kid to sleep and was about to shut off the light he said, “Please Daddy, can I sleep with the lights on?”

“Why, so the monster in your closet can find you easier?”

My Daughter

My daughter asked me once, “Daddy, what will you do to me if I get pregnant before I’m married?”

“I’ll beat it out of you.”

“In that case, can I call live with auntie for about a year?”

Adorable Baby

I saw this six-foot five, three hundred pound man pushing this adorable baby in a baby carriage. I went up to him and asked if I could take a picture of his child. He said, “this ain’t my kid, it’s a snack for later.”

Why Did You Marry Mom?

My kid asked me once, “Why did you marry Mom?”

“Because she was the only one who could look at my face without gagging and she didn’t try to use pepper spray on me.”

My kid looked at me and said, “I guess you’re lucky she’s blind.”

Putting On Makeup

I walked into my daughter’s room, as she was putting on makeup, and asked her, “Why do you use so much makeup?”

She said, “To look pretty.”

“You don’t need makeup to look pretty, you need a lot of plastic surgery to do that.”

Pregnant For The First Time

I remember the joy I felt when my wife got pregnant for the first time, I finally had the motivation I needed to run away. I was so happy until that kid found me after nineteen years on the run.