Alzheimer

Alzheimer is such a great disease because there is never old news.

Pubic Hair

I remember I burnt my face and needed a skin graft. The doctor took it from my butt, now I have pubic hair growing out of my face.

MRI Scan

I remember when I had to get a MRI scan of my knee. They decided to put me under so I wouldn’t move around too much because of my restless-leg syndrome. When I awoke, I was naked, bruised up and in a garbage can. I could understand being naked and bruised up, but how did they know I lived in a garbage can.

My Face

Once I accidentally ripped my face off out of anger. I glued it back on but I didn’t realize it was upside down. Eating from you nose and looking out of your mouth is not as fun as it seems.

When I Pee

My doctor informed me that when I pee, blood shouldn’t come out. I guess drinking all that acid wasn’t a good idea.

Inside A Burn Unit

Cannibals should not be allowed inside a burn unit, they should pay to eat human meat.

Some Guys Attack Me

Every time I try to go outside, some guys attack me. They always throw me down to the ground, put on my straitjacket, tie me down to my bed and shoot me up with sedatives. Sometimes they yell, “How do you keep getting out!” or, “He bite my finger off!!!”

Some Medication

My doctor prescribed me some medication to treat one of my illnesses and an adrenaline shot. I asked him, “Why do I need adrenaline?”

He said, “Just in case your heart stops.”

“Why would my heart stop?”

“You know, from the side effects.”

“Okay.” I went out and got the drugs. When I got home I took the pills. I waited all day and nothing happened. The next day I took some more pills, and nothing. On the third day when I took my medication my heart did stop and the only thing that went through my mind was, “Crap, I wish I didn’t give all the adrenaline to my pet penguin. But it was pretty cool watching him fly away and then explode.”

Fingers The Size Of Bananas

I never really cared that my doctor had fingers the size of bananas, until I needed a rectal exam.

I Could Be A Doctor

I could be a doctor. All I have to do is once in a blue moon visit my patients, attack them with a needle and tell them everything is going to be okay when they’re actually dying.