My Face

Once I accidentally ripped my face off out of anger. I glued it back on but I didn’t realize it was upside down. Eating from you nose and looking out of your mouth is not as fun as it seems.

When I Pee

My doctor informed me that when I pee, blood shouldn’t come out. I guess drinking all that acid wasn’t a good idea.

Inside A Burn Unit

Cannibals should not be allowed inside a burn unit, they should pay to eat human meat.

Some Guys Attack Me

Every time I try to go outside, some guys attack me. They always throw me down to the ground, put on my straitjacket, tie me down to my bed and shoot me up with sedatives. Sometimes they yell, “How do you keep getting out!” or, “He bite my finger off!!!”

Some Medication

My doctor prescribed me some medication to treat one of my illnesses and an adrenaline shot. I asked him, “Why do I need adrenaline?”

He said, “Just in case your heart stops.”

“Why would my heart stop?”

“You know, from the side effects.”

“Okay.” I went out and got the drugs. When I got home I took the pills. I waited all day and nothing happened. The next day I took some more pills, and nothing. On the third day when I took my medication my heart did stop and the only thing that went through my mind was, “Crap, I wish I didn’t give all the adrenaline to my pet penguin. But it was pretty cool watching him fly away and then explode.”

Fingers The Size Of Bananas

I never really cared that my doctor had fingers the size of bananas, until I needed a rectal exam.

I Could Be A Doctor

I could be a doctor. All I have to do is once in a blue moon visit my patients, attack them with a needle and tell them everything is going to be okay when they’re actually dying.

E.R

Because of my trip to the E.R, if I’m ever at a party and the conversation, “have you ever had someone put their finger up your anus,” comes up I can honestly say, “Yes I have.”

A Riddle For You

Here’s a riddle for you.  What kind of doctor checks for testicular cancer with his mouth?  Answer, a molester.

I Hate Going To The Doctors

I went to my doctor one day because my left testicle was hurting a little. But my doctor wasn’t in, so a new doctor who was hired a few days ago saw me. When she stepped into the examination room, my heart stop. She was the prettiest doctor I ever seen (you know most doctors are butt ugly), she looked like a super duper model with a degree in medicine. So guess who decides to salute her, no not me but my little guy. Now I couldn’t drop trousers and have my penis all up in the air looking at her like that, so when she said, “It says here that your left testicle is hurting?”

“No, ah, not my testicle, ah, my tentacle is hurting.”

“Your tentacle?”

“Yeah my tentacle.”
“So where is your tentacle located,” she said with a slight smile.

“Isn’t it on my bac…I got to go.”

She stopped me from leaving and explained to me that it was normal for men to get erected involuntarily or when they’re nervous. So I dropped my pants and she said in a professional voice, “What the hell is wrong with you testicles?”

“Why what’s wrong with them?”

“First of all you’re not supposed to have three, and second your scrotum is not supposed to be green! Why didn’t you come sooner?”

“I thought the third one was a spare and doesn’t green mean they’re ripe.”