Alarm clock

I remember when I used to put a pin on top of my alarm clock’s snooze button. The reason being is that when the alarm would go of and I hit the snooze button, the pain from the pin will really wake me up. But I forgot to tell my wife, you should have seen the look on her face when I smashed the alarm clock against her head when she didn’t make me breakfast on time.

My Fiance

I remember when I was getting married my fiancé was crying so much. I asked her what was wrong but she didn’t say anything. I took the duct tape off her mouth and she started to scream again for help, so I put it back on.

My Wife’s Tampons

I remember once when I found my wife’s tampons. I wanted to know how it worked, but no good came out of trying to find out. I couldn’t crap for weeks.

Arranged Marriage

I remember when I was going to get an arranged marriage. I made an appointment to meet one of my prospect wives at a restaurant. When I saw her at the restaurant the only thing that went through my mind was, “Wow, she’s smoking hot!” I sat across from her and started to talk about myself until she said, “could you wait a second.” She then pulled a bag out of her purse and put it over my head. “That’s better, now I don’t feel like throwing up. You may continue.”

Loveless Marriage

It’s great being in a loveless marriage. You don’t worry when your wife comes home late or never shows up at all.

My First Wife

I remember when my first wife died. The only thing that went through my mind was, “I’m free!!!”

Cardiovascular Exercise

My doctor said I needed to get some more cardiovascular exercise. I told my wife and she decided to help me out. Now every time she sees me in the street she tries to run me over with her car. Sometimes when I’m at home she chases me around with a knife until I leave. What a sweetheart.

Spot A Liar

I was talking with my wife the other day and the topic of trusting people came up.  I mentioned that I could spot a liar a mile away.  She said, “you couldn’t tell I was lying when I said I loved you, your handsome, and these kids are yours.  I only married you for your money and when that runs out, so will I.”

Lose Some Weight

I tried to help my wife lose some weight but calling her a fat disgusting pig everyday didn’t help.

Guys Fainting

Do you women really want to know why we guys faint at the wedding ceremony, especially when the holy man asks, “Do you take so and so as your wife?” Well there are two reasons. First, it’s the last attempt the brain makes to save the man from nagging and complaining for the rest of his life.

The second reason is when the groom is about to run down the aisle, to his car, and far away into Mexico, the bride sends a physic impulse to the groom’s brain. Thus, stunning and dropping him to the floor like a wounded animal.