The reason why penguins don’t fly is because they don’t know how to land. I tested this out by shooting them out of a cannon, but they usually explode because of all the gunpowder I use so I really don’t have any hard evidence.

Once I accidentally ripped my face off out of anger. I glued it back on but I didn’t realize it was upside down. Eating from you nose and looking out of your mouth is not as fun as it seems.

You should never hit a woman, unless the following scenarios occur:
1) She swings an ax into your head
2) She sets you crouch on fire
3) She doesn’t do the laundry.

I got fired from my job at super-mart. They didn’t like the way I was greeting people, I mean the gun only had blanks in it and I wasn’t going to keep all their money.

I remember once when I laid next to my mother in her bed, she woke up and said to me, “How’d you escape from the basement?”

“You shouldn’t worry about that now. What you should be worried about is all the cleaning fluid I injected into your body,” I said while showing her insulin syringe.

I was roaming around a forest once when I ran into a bear that was crying. I asked him, “Why are you crying?”

He said, “All of my friends make fun of me because I don’t like eating meat”

I then shot the bear to death and took his body back home with me. I mounted his head on my wall and said, “There, now you don’t have to worry about being made fun of.”

I know I’ve been lazy. I said I’ll update this blog more frequently but I haven’t. It’s really hard to write crazy and funny at the same time but no excuses. I apologies to my fans, woops I mean fan. I’m making a new commitment to keep this blog up to date, in fact here is a new one:

I remember listening to this women talking about how the human body is a beautiful thing, but she didn’t think it was so beautiful when I flung my crap at her.

I tried to donate 18 litters of blood but they wouldn’t take it because most of it wasn’t mine or human.

The hardest thing I ever did in my life was arresting my father. I had to throw him down the stairs so he would stop fighting back.

If you ever get into a fight never stick your arms straight up in the air and walk slowly towards your attacker. That technique never works.